Saying Goodbye to Baby Hawk

Two months ago, on January 26, 2023, I was watching my belly slowly expand as our baby boy crested 10 weeks old in utero. I noted "10 weeks" with three hearts next to it in my journal that morning. Each day and each week that passed were miraculous. I was so deeply elated to be pregnant and beginning to need my beloved maternity clothes again. Holding my growing belly in private moments was such a joy. I looked forward to those first flutters, then kicks and eventually full body rolls to come in the womb. My husband and I chose not to do an initial ultrasound but instead we opted to do genetic testing alongside the early pregnancy bloodwork to ensure baby was developing well. We anticipated sharing the news about my pregnancy with our children and our families once the genetic (and gender) test results came back.

The Lord impressed on me very early in this pregnancy that I was carrying a boy. And then came his name: Monty Hawk Bruso. Monty means "mountain," and Hawk is the strong, fast and beautiful bird of prey with keen eyesight and hearing. Another strong arrow in our quiver...thank you, Lord! We prayed, waited and hoped for this baby for years. Both of our children have expressed the desire for another sibling on many occasions, and we were preparing to share the glorious news with them and our families: Sometime in August, we would welcome a new baby boy to our family. 

I held the news of pregnancy close in order to protect my heart. As an adult woman, a mom, a therapist and holistic health advocate, I was aware of the potential risks and complications of being pregnant in my 40s. Our daughter was born when I was 41. After Matt and I decided to try for one more baby, I worked closely with my integrative physician that I'd worked with in all of my previous pregnancies. I got bloodwork and followed each of her directives exactly. I was very active as I'd always been and took each of the recommended supplements daily to ensure that this baby had the best possible beginning to life. 

All was well and normal until the day I made it to 10 weeks pregnant. I'd experienced mild nausea and some shortness of breath when exercising from 6-10 weeks, which I was happy to experience. I knew that meant my HCG levels were likely rising and baby was growing. Once I experienced some cramping and light bleeding at exactly 10 weeks, my heart dropped. I knew the implications of bleeding and cramping in pregnancy, and I also knew (and know) the One who created this baby and continued to knit him together in my womb. He said yes to this pregnancy, this baby and this season of my life. Our lives. I would turn to Him and not statistics. I would declare life over this baby, not death. I would admit my fears and struggles around the possibility of losing him, but I would then reach out to a handful of people who prayed, checked in and spoke abundant life over our baby, pregnancy and me. I am so thankful God led me to do that. Those precious people are still lifting us up, checking in and speaking life and healing over us. Oh, the balm over my heart from such kindness is difficult to quantify. I am thankful.

I spoke with my knowledgeable and gracious midwife soon after things started shifting, and she prescribed a higher dose of progesterone. She also placed me on pelvic rest for two weeks to let things calm down with baby. If I was possibly miscarrying due to low progesterone, this would stop that process. My progesterone had been on the lower side of normal the week prior when my bloodwork was done, so I hoped and prayed that this would help. I continued to live and be active with my family, just not too active. I followed each of my midwife's directives and trusted in the Lord. As a believer, she was also praying for us. How comforting and reassuring. I did all I could in the natural and prayed in the supernatural. Although I felt afraid, I also felt held...by Jesus, my husband and our friends/intercessors. I was not alone. What a gift. 

We attended our son's basketball game two days later, and Matt and I went on a date later that day to a new-to-us restaurant, Cooper's Hawk Restaurant and Winery. I chose that restaurant weeks ago in honor of Matt and his recent birthday. He loves wildlife, nature and especially wild birds. He notices every hawk wherever we go, and he often photographs them and shares his captures with the kids and I. We excitedly sat down in the restaurant and looked at the menu, chatting about various things and commenting on how nice it was to be together and alone at a new place. We ordered, got our food pretty quickly and began to eat. About halfway through, I knew right away that my body was miscarrying. We shuffled to the restroom, which was quite awkward considering what was happening. I knew I needed Matt to be with me, and we found a private family restroom across the hall from the main restrooms. Another gift. Matt held me as I cried and helped me through it all. He prayed over me, our baby and us. He quietly found our server, let her know we had an emergency and had to leave, paid for our meal and brought our car near to the restaurant. I had placed some clothes in the back of my car in bags to soon donate, so Matt brought some inside for me. Those aptly placed clothes were yet another gift. We were able to slip away from the restaurant and get right home. 

Home sweet home, where our children were playing with our wonderful babysitters and blissfully unaware of what was taking place with me. Where we have raised Miles for most of his life and where Violet has spent her entire life. Where we have worked through many challenges, celebrated many victories, apologized for many missteps and hurt feelings. Where I miscarried once before, 6 years ago, and also healed. The pain of continued contractions pulled on me that night as I connected with our kids and helped them get ready for bed. We fell asleep together with Jesus' comfort wrapped around us. Gratitude and grief filled my heart and my eyes with tears. 

My body was helping to usher baby Hawk into heaven. I miss him. We miss him. I so badly want to hold him, nurse him and raise him. We are so sad and disappointed that he is not still here with us, growing and preparing to burst onto the scene of our lives in a few months' time. We grieve with hope though, and we know we want to be where he is when the time comes. In the arms of Jesus, joyfully worshipping and no longer in pain. We found out two days after his death via genetic test results that Hawk was indeed a boy, and he had Mosaic Trisomy 22, which is responsible for many first trimester miscarriages. We want to do everything possible to honor this precious baby's brief life, so we are trying to follow each prompting of the Lord to bless others as we grieve. I chose to go ahead and give away all of my maternity clothes that I adored to a mama in need. It was painful but also part of healing and trusting the Lord to bring purpose to the pain. Hawk's life is already bringing blessing and encouragement to others, and I don't see that stopping on this side of eternity. 

Four days after Hawk's death, Matt spotted this beautiful Cooper's Hawk pictured below. God continues to reveal Himself to us in many ways, and baby Hawk is now an integral part of the tapestry of our lives and relationship with God.

Cooper's Hawk siting on February 1, 2023

Transition to Motherhood

I (Chrissy) wrote this post in the fall of 2016 and did not finish it until now, July of 2017. It catches you all up from our last post in 2014.

I just rocked our little guy and placed him into his crib for a nap...enjoying the sweetness of being able to hold him in my arms and kiss his head and hands. Many things cross my mind while I rest in the silence of the nursery, and I realized it has been about two and a half years since we last posted here. Some blogger I am! :) But then again, maybe less is more in this day and age.

A whole lot of life has happened since we posted in early summer of 2014. Many people have asked how we have been doing and what we have been up to since our big move to the East Coast from Atlanta in October of 2015. I'll briefly fill you in on our lives, including the highs and lows we've experienced in this time and over the course of the last 2+ years. Then I'll share about what God has been teaching me/us as a family and where this blog may go from here.

On December 26, 2014, after 44 hours of active labor, I gave birth to our miracle son and "gentle warrior," Miles David Bruso, at North Fulton Hospital in Roswell, Georgia. He weighed 9 pounds and 1 ounce, and he was 22 inches long. BIG baby. Physically, I recovered well and quickly. Emotionally, I was thrilled to be a mama but experienced significant anxiety around the vastness of life change that happened almost all at once. My husband and I decided long before I was pregnant that it would be best for our future children and our family as a whole if I resigned from my full time job as a therapist in order to be at home during the early years. I am not naturally a domestic person, and I had always thrived on the inherent structure of career life. In addition, I had worked full time outside the home for some 16 years...nearly half my life. Not only did I miss my coworkers when I resigned, but all of a sudden, I had this little person relying on me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. My husband is a very present, hands-on dad, but no one can replace mom. I felt the weight of the awesome yet intense responsibility to help this child stay alive and thrive. Nothing in any of my careers prepared me for that. I struggled, I cried and I reached out to friends and family members. Some of them understood and encouraged me, while others tried to fix me or simply withdrew from me. Life goes that way at times, but I wasn't able to shake it off easily. I would internalize the sadness and anxiety and beat myself up for every little thing.

When Miles was 5 weeks old, my mom was diagnosed with a softball-sized olfactory groove meningioma, a benign frontal lobe brain tumor, and blood clots in her legs and lungs. She underwent a 14-hour surgery for the clots and tumor removal the morning after being diagnosed. Miraculously, she came out of those surgeries very well and has recovered in many ways. When Miles was 13 weeks old, our beloved and healthy dog, Tango, suddenly began having grand mol seizures. After treatment, consultations and research, we concluded he likely had a brain tumor because he wasn't responding to treatment. Soon thereafter we made the heartbreaking decision to euthanize him. He died in my arms as Matt and I prayed over him and thanked him for the many years of sheer joy he gave us. I promptly went home from the vet with a tear-stained face and puffy eyes to nurse my son and continue grieving. Thankfully God had brought Dottie into our lives, Miles' beloved adopted grandmother, who cared for him (and me) often so that I could begin to get my head above water. She is an angel in human form, and I think I even felt her wings when I hugged her.

Less than one month later, my mom had 7 grand mol seizures in a row in one day that were unrelated to her brain tumor and surgery. She was not expected to recover, but she did. Another miracle...yet I was reeling. All the while we were sinking financially, struggling in our marriage and experienced spiritual wounds from people we trusted (more on that in another post). I continued loving being a mama but now Miles was in the midst of a sleep regression after finally getting into a nice sleep rhythm. I expected sleep deprivation, but the kind that comes with babies is like no other! It felt like each time I took a step forward toward a new normal - life as a stay-at-home mama trying to connect with other moms - there would be another sleepless night, another week of congestion (read: long hours of rocking a restless babe by myself at home), another canceled play date. Disappointment. Change. More change. More debt. More arguing...essentially not knowing how to support each other through everything I just described. I felt like the trenches kept getting deeper, and I did not know where to turn since my feeble prayers seemed to hit the ceiling.

Matt sat me down one day and told me he wanted to do whatever it took for me to get better/feel better. We both knew I was struggling with postpartum depression, and we both knew that my integrative physician could help, Dr. Tasneem Bhatia ("Dr. Taz") at CentreSpring MD in Atlanta. God had used her to help us get pregnant, so we knew He could use her to help me get back to thriving. I made an appointment to see one of her associates, and less than two weeks after going, I began to feel better. The clouds over my heart and mind began to lift. Dr. Zach at CentreSpring had ordered some extensive blood work, and he caught my thyroid and progesterone deficiency. He also encouraged me to go to therapy to discuss transitioning to motherhood. He was wise and kind, and his advice sent me down the road back to wholeness.

In October of 2015, we moved to Virginia to be closer to my side of the family and open our own business. My husband partnered with the Lord and worked very hard to create a successful garage door company, Four Seasons Garage Doors. I have witnessed his growth in every area as he stepped out and fulfilled a longtime dream of his to become a business owner and operator. With the blessing of a successful company in a new state came the inevitable transitions of making new friends, finding a new church, getting to know a new area (which is very different now from when I grew up here) and finding new doctors and dentists.

What have I learned since that time? I've learned that it is possible to be a full time stay-at-home mom and still be me, do the things that I love and attend to my marriage and family. It would be another year and a half, essentially now [2016], until I would begin to find some balance. After all, motherhood is all-consuming at times. It's no joke keeping tiny humans alive and safe. I also learned about spiritual rest...to cease striving and "trying" to be close to God and simply receive everything He has to give: Peace, patience, love, kindness, gentleness, self-control, strength, joy and comfort. Remember that passage in Psalm 23:6? "Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever." God's goodness and love seeks after each one of us. Yes, that is the truth. We choose to receive, believe, embrace and give it, but we do that in response to Him and his kindness.

I have also learned that there are times when you must fight for your spouse and your marriage with all you've got. Both are totally worth it. Even if you don't have beautiful examples of marriage in your family of origin, and even if you don't know how to fight for them...you can get help and see victory. When you go through massive transitions in a short time, it often exposes your individual and collective strengths and weaknesses. There is nothing wrong with this; it's real life. The Lord does beautiful things when we allow our deepest selves to be exposed. Warning: The process of having our hearts exposed does not feel beautiful, but it is necessary in order to grow together. We have sought marriage counseling since moving to Virginia, and it is worth every minute of time and every penny spent. It is helping us heal from the spiritual wounds we suffered; it is helping us to know ourselves more so we can support the other in meaningful ways; it has freed us up emotionally because we've learned about our personality types and how we have been intentionally and specifically wired by God to bear His glory here on earth. Therapy has softened us both and given us a new compassion for the other as we see our weaknesses and learn to pray for each other in redemptive ways.

If you're wondering even for a moment if you should seek counseling, do yourself and those in your life a favor: Do it. You will never regret it. I am a therapist, and I need therapy. How's that for honesty? My honesty and your honesty sets an atmosphere of freedom for others to be themselves and maybe even seek the help they need. I want to be well; fully alive with a strong heart and clear mind. I believe this blog will morph into my sharing about my journey with God in marriage and motherhood by being as real as possible, and I'll be sharing wellness tips too. I bet my Beloved will make a "guest appearance" here and there as well :). Thanks so much for coming alongside me and us here on our blog.

From Hateful to Grateful: A Glimpse Into Matt's Journey

What I am about to share is my history and battle in finding true love and fatherhood.  I too felt "the nudge" from God to share some of my past struggles and relational blunders.  I'm going to to begin this story where I believe the seeds of love and fatherhood got deeply implanted in my heart. 

In my early 20's I was in serious relationship with a girl that was extremely volatile, immature, and impure.  My naivety led me to think maybe she was the one.  Shortly after dating for a year, she told me that she was pregnant.  I can remember thinking, "Wow!  We did it.  Maybe this will mean we can settle down and start a real 'grown up' family!"  I can still think back and feel the initial excitement I experienced.  Even as a young man, when I pictured happiness, I would imagine my wife and I sitting on a porch swing watching our kids play in the yard.  Yep...that's it, and not much has changed.  The look on her face will be forever etched in my memory; she didn't have to say a word.  Her thoughts and plans were obvious and settled, and they cut through my enthusiasm like a knife.  I tried to come up with any justification or argument I could as to why we should keep the baby.  Unfortunately, I was stonewalled at every attempt.  When the time came for her abortion, I desperately wanted to go with her.  I realize it sounds strange, but I still wanted support her even though her decision was crushing me.  She wanted no part in having me there and even opted to have a friend accompany her.  I was deeply hurt and felt completely helpless.  Our relationship came to an ugly end shortly thereafter.  From the moment she told me she was pregnant, I felt strongly that it was a girl.  Though it has been 15 years since the abortion, I can still say not one day goes by that I don't see a little girl playing in the yard, helping mom push the cart at the grocery store or holding dad's hand on the way into church.  And every time I am reminded of the hole in my heart and my longing and guilt for a life that should have been.  I will touch on this more in a bit.

From that point on, I spent much of my 20's drinking heavily and smoking marijuana.  What started out as fun eventually became a daily ritual to anesthetize my pain and live in an alternate reality.  After all, I wanted no part of my own life anymore.  I was bitter; I did not like people and had major issues with God.  I can remember saying, "If this your plan God, I gotta be honest, I'm not that impressed.  I'm looking around and this planet really seems to be an ugly, violent and cruel hell hole."  Perspective is everything.

In my early 30's, I was set up on a blind date that eventually led to my first marriage.  We had a long engagement and often spoke of our future plans, what we would name our kids one day and how many we would have.  At the time I owned a house and so did my fiancée.  We decided that it would be best to try and sell my home, and I would then move into hers.  I found a family friend and realtor to help me put my home on the market, and I moved into my fiancée's house.  She moved in with her parents temporarily until we got married, at which point she would move back in with me.  I was working as a stonemason, and my career went from being extremely lucrative to barely making ends meet.  Due to the housing market crash, I lost about a third of my income and my home's value was sinking like the Titanic.  I reached a point that I could no longer sustain the cost of supporting two homes.  By the way, my fiancée worked as a mortgage underwriter and she too lost a large portion of her salary.  The financial weight was too much, and we had to let my house go into foreclosure.  I also had two beautiful boxer dogs at the time, Titus and Bren.  My fiancée was extremely allergic to dogs, and I had to make the difficult decision to give them up for the sake of my new life with my soon-to-be wife.  I was able to find a woman who ran a boxer rescue that was looking to adopt two boxers.  I suppose it worked out sufficiently for my dogs, but it was brutally difficult for me:  I spent close to 5 years raising these dogs, they slept in my bed every night and greeted me at the front door with wild joy when I got home from work every evening.  At the time, giving them up seemed like the noble thing to do, but I have struggled with guilt over that decision ever since.

My fiancée and I eventually married in May of 2008.  Over the course of the next year my wife never moved back into our home with me.  She stayed at her parents' house about 5 nights per week for various and ever-evolving reasons.  When I eventually and formally confronted her, she told me that she wasn't cut out to be a wife and it took a year of marriage for her to realize it.  She also decided that kids would not be part of her future.  In this moment, I felt like I had just stepped into the twilight zone.  I had no idea who this person was that was saying these things to me.  Had a con-artist just conned me out of my own soul?  Here I thought once again I would have my chance to finally be able to sit on that porch swing with the one I loved and watch my kids play carelessly in the yard.  For a bit, I thought I was going crazy.  My reality was turned upside down.  Here's the kicker -- this is really good -- I had taken a position working for my wife's father's trucking company.  Now I'm working for my father-in-law, my credit is shot, my dogs are gone, the repo man is in my driveway, and my wife just quit our marriage.  I went to a shrink just once to make sure I wasn't crazy.  He said I checked out but it sure didn't feel that way.  I probably should have gone back for a while because I'm pretty sure I had a screw or two loose at that point.  I had the marriage annulled 6 months later, and I was still working for my now ex-father-in-law's business...over the course of the next year.  Awkward!

On the heels of one loss after the next, I sunk to the lowest point of my life.  I truly did not care what happened to my life and systematically tried to drink myself to death.  No joke.  I was mad at everything.  I was mad at women.  I was mad at myself for being so naïve to get myself into this predicament, and I was especially mad at God.  How could you do this to me God? Why didn't you save me from this?  If you are so good then why is everything so bad?  I have to be honest:  I went through a season of tempting God, testing the limits of what I could get away with and doing  everything I could to spite Him.  Utterly lost with no idea of my identity or what I was doing anymore, I virtually surrendered.  To what?  Feeling that I was destined to just be miserable, mediocre and live out the rest of my days counting down to death.  My family was somewhat aware of what was going on in my life, but I worked hard at hiding the depth of my misery.  My brother and sister-in-law convinced me to come down to Georgia to see what I thought of it.  Though I had no interest in ever moving to Georgia, I took a week off work and used 3 days to visit them in Atlanta and the remainder to travel to Northern Michigan.  My trip up north was specifically planned to seek solitude and answers from God.

Georgia did not appeal to me much during my visit.  My brother and sister-in-law did their best to convince me to move down and start over.  I knew I needed change but went home unsure of where and how to start.  The second leg of my vacation took me to Lake Superior in Northern Michigan.  As mentioned, I went on a quest for solitude and answers from the Lord, and He showed up in a major way.  I had a radical encounter with Jesus that set the course for the rest of my life.  Immediately heading home, I knew for certain that I was to move to Atlanta.  I had no idea what I was going to do when I arrived, but I had total peace since I knew God said to "go."  The next 2+ years, from 2009 through 2011, were filled with some powerful, supernatural experiences with God.  Visions, dreams, electricity, prophetic words...the whole bit.  It's all real, folks.  The first century church is still alive and well, though that's for an entirely different post.  I won't go down a rabbit hole, so this is where my struggle with the abortion picks back up.

I was worshiping in church one Sunday and was taken into a vision where I encountered my daughter.  Yes, the one that was aborted 15 years ago.  She was playing in heaven with Jesus and many other children.  She told me that she wasn't mad at me and said, "I'm proud of you, Daddy." She then shared with me that God had an amazing wife for me and she would be there soon.  The last thing she said was that she was happy and would see me again one day.  As I snapped out of this encounter, a man at church approached me and told me that God wanted to tell me something.  Okay, I responded curiously.  He told me that my kids would always be protected wherever they go and that God had angels to surround them at all times.  I graciously explained to him that I didn't have any children.  He responded with a smile, "But you will."  Now that was a good day at church!!  

Three months later in early 2012, I had my first date with my now wife.  Just as my daughter said, "Soon."  My wife, Chrissy, and I had a short courtship and engagement; from the first date to our wedding day was exactly 9 months.  Shortly after we started dating, Chrissy sat me down and explained to me that she had a pituitary tumor which could impact her ability to get pregnant.  I knew without a doubt that it didn't matter.  I loved this woman whether or not she could have biological children.  Though I still longed for children, for some reason I had complete peace.  God had long since confirmed through visions and dreams that Chrissy was the one.  He often told me, "You will love her," not as a command but affirming the reality of our relationship and reminding me that I was purposed to love her from the beginning.  Chrissy is the most incredible, loving and faithful person I have ever met.  Loving her isn't hard.

From the very beginning of our marriage in November of 2012, we decided to go ahead and try to get pregnant.  We had quite a few people tell us to wait at least one year, but we didn't think we had the luxury of time or even knowing if it was possible to conceive.  What started off as hopeful expectation slowly turned into a roller coaster of disappointment and questions.  Pregnancy tests became a source of tremendous grief for us, especially Chrissy.  She felt betrayed by her own body.  As her husband, it was so hard to feel helpless to do or change anything.  Most of the time, all I knew to do was pray and hold her as she grieved and questioned all of the whys and unknowns of our future with children.

In January of 2014 we decided to put more of our focus on adopting a child.  We knew we were called to adoption even before we were married:  Adoption was never to replace biological children.  As we embarked deeper into the Georgia state adoption process, our focus turned toward preparing for an adoptive child.  We both believed it was the best thing, as it got too difficult to keep all of our eggs in the biological child basket.  We completed our adoption training in late March of 2014 and started the waiting process.  (Update:  We received our approval to adopt on Tuesday of this past week!)  

Chrissy and I visited my former church about a month ago, and we sat in almost the exact seats where I was when I met my daughter in a vision and received the prophetic word about my children nearly 3 years ago.  Again during worship, a close friend gave us a word about the coming of our child:  It was like deja vu!  Not 2 weeks later we found out Chrissy was pregnant, though she still has not had a menstrual cycle in over 2 years.  What a MIRACLE!  We are now off to the races preparing for the birth of our child and praying about the timing of adoption.  God can turn the impossible into possible in an instant.  Circumstances and obstacles can seem so overwhelming at times to overcome.  God spoke the universe into existence; it only takes His mere breath on our situations to radically transform them.  In Genesis 18, Sarah was barren and past childbearing years, yet God gave her a son, Isaac.  When the Lord told Sarah about the coming of her child, she laughed in disbelief.  God said, "Is anything too hard for the Lord?"  I love that!  I suppose it's only fitting that we moved into our first home together on a street called Sarah's Lane...God knew all along.

What God did for us, we know He will do for anyone.  We are not unique in our faith or spirituality, nor are we more favored than any of God's other precious children.  In summary, as tough as the road has been, I have always sensed it was the right road.  I have grown to appreciate this road, and I'm grateful for all that God has taught me along the way.  Cherishing the light can be elusive unless you know how it feels to crouch in the darkness.  Jesus said, "I am the light of the world.  Anyone who follows me will never walk in the darkness but will have the light of life."  We are so thankful for His light.  Please feel free to comment or leave your name, as we would love to partner with you in praying for your impossible. 

Gratefully His, 

Matt Bruso

The Nudge

As I talked with two friends after church today, I felt the gentle nudge.  Not a physical nudge from a person or an animal, but a spiritual nudge to guide and remind me to "tell the story".  I immediately knew that God was helping me to have the courage to share a part of Matt and I's lives that has been quite painful at times.  He (the Lord) has been on me about this for some time now, and I keep saying, "Not yet."  It's interesting and ironic how the most confounding miracles often arrive after the darkest valleys of pain, brokenness, and growth.  So why have I intentionally procrastinated on sharing some of the most beautiful news we've received to date?  Fear.  Foreboding joy (the sense that the "other shoe will drop" at any point, so why be hopeful?).  Wondering when God may change his mind and take back his gifts, even though I know reneging on his word and taking back gifts are not in his character.  Yet I question and doubt because I'm human and because I have not lived long in this culture of honor, blessing, expectation of good and complete trust in God's love.  More on that in another post to come...

A little background to catch you up to speed on this particular chapter in Matt and I's lives:  In April of 2012, I was diagnosed with a Pituitary Microadenoma, a fancy term that denotes a tiny, benign tumor on the pituitary gland (PG - it's hard to keep retyping "pituitary"!).  The PG is pea-sized and located close to the center of the brain behind the nasal cavity.  Known as the "Master Gland," it is in charge of secreting hormones that control parts of the endocrine system such as the thyroid gland, adrenal gland, ovaries and testes.  The PG's hormone secretion pilots body processes from basic human growth to sex to metabolism to pain relief.  My particular type of tumor, albeit tiny and not visible to the untrained eye even on a contrast MRI, hijacked my prolactin hormone and told my PG to produce copious amounts.  Along with other functions, prolactin is the breastfeeding hormone that is typically only elevated during pregnancy and after birth while actively breastfeeding.  This is why pregnant and lactating women generally do not have menstrual cycles (generally because there's always an anomaly), one of God's great gifts to women when we are busy creating and growing little humans.  As my PG produced more and more prolactin, I stopped having a period which is what tipped me off that something was amiss with my health.  I saw my traditional OB/Gyn nurse practitioner who was ready to diagnose me with Hypothyroidism simply because I have family history of this disease.

When I would not accept this simplistic, possible diagnosis because of my knowledge of the body AND of my Almighty God, I saw a wonderful holistic/integrative MD, Dr. Taz Bhatia.  I wanted to understand what was happening in my body and why.  This began a 2-year and counting relationship with the best doctor and one of the most amazing women I've ever met.  Dr. Taz has her own story as to how she landed in integrative and holistic medicine, but before you think I have no respect for western medicine, she is a fully trained ER doctor, women's specialist and board-certified pediatrician.  Have I mentioned that she's also fully trained in eastern medicine practices, including acupuncture?  She's incredibly balanced in her thinking and does not give credence to only one perspective or diagnosis.  She understands that disease is merely a collection of symptoms in the body that manifest because of toxic overload and/or nutrient deficiency for an extended period of time (that may or may not have originated genetically).  After several tests including extensive blood work, she recommended that I get a contrast MRI done to rule out a PG tumor.

Needless to say, just the word "tumor" sent me into a fear-filled darkness that caused me to question everything.  Should I break up with Matt since this may very well mean that I cannot ever conceive biologically?  Should I tell him what's happening and let him into the darkness with me?  We've been dating 2 months; what dude wants to deal with THIS possibility?  God, where are you and what's going to happen?  The Holy Spirit brought the Scripture in Psalm 25 to mind and comforted me, May honesty and integrity protect me, for my hope is in you (paraphrase).  I knew then that I needed to tell Matt, but WOW, was I ever terrified.  I wasn't certain at that point in our relationship that he was The One for me, but I knew he brought peace and security into my life that I had not yet experienced with a man.  I just did not know how he would respond to this newfound possibility that my beloved PG may have betrayed me.  Well, this card did not trump my suitor's growing love for me in the least.  He simply responded by saying that if things continued and we were to be married, he indeed loved children from all over the world...i.e. he was prepared to adopt children with me happily.  I could not have asked for more, except that I really hoped the MRI would show nothing and my PG and prolactin level would just return to their normal, healthy states.

The MRI results came back, and I was then definitively diagnosed with a Pituitary Microadenoma.  I had been researching in between doctors' appointments and the MRI, so I was prepared and knew that my future as a mama was still bright.  The typical treatments for this condition involve hormone therapy and sometimes surgery through the nasal cavity to remove the tumor (no, thank you!!).  I remain tremendously grateful to Dr. Taz for her conservative, positive approach.  She recommended some diet changes to include lowering my gluten intake, adding some vitamin supplements to support hormone balance and adding a bio-identical, prescription progesterone to increase my progesterone level which would in turn decrease my prolactin level.  All of this worked toward two ends:  Reducing any inflammation in my body (one primary cause of any disease) and lowering my prolactin level to restart my menstrual cycle.  While this did not matter in the short term for Matt and I, once we decided to get engaged and married very shortly thereafter, the long term was upon us and a reality we did not ignore. 

We decided not to prevent pregnancy from the beginning of our marriage, and we prayed specifically prior to marriage for God to give us biological and adopted children at the exact right time.  One Sunday at church in May of 2013, a precious woman, Melissa, who I had not yet met approached me during worship to share a message the Lord had given her for me.  Bear in mind that Matt had not met her either, and only 1-2 people in our church were aware at that point of our desire to conceive and adopt children as well as our struggle to wait on the Lord.  Melissa was not yet one of those people, and the ones with whom we had shared were akin to locked vaults.  Well, the Lord literally opened and revealed our personal, spiritual mail to Melissa that day and instructed her to let us know what was to come.  She took me aside and prophesied clearly and articulately to me about our biological child/ren, stating that she had seen a vision in worship entailing my womb being encased in glass and chains.  The Lord was in the process of breaking the chains that bound my womb, and He had assigned angels to guard my womb and usher in a child.  She told me that I needed to write this down, pray over it and hold onto it because the Lord would bring it to pass.  Then she prayed for me both in words I could understand and in the Spirit, and an incredible peace surrounded me.  During the many days, weeks and months that followed, my faith and spirit grew weary.  Melissa gently reminded me of God's promise and supported me through my sadness over continually not getting pregnant.  Matt and I were both completely blown away by God's message through Melissa one year ago, though we just didn't know when...or how...the Lord would fulfill his promise.

As we celebrated our first year of marital bliss in the North Georgia mountains in November of 2013, we could not have been happier even though we longed for children.  Several negative pregnancy tests later, discouragement began to seep into both of our hearts.  Not long after our anniversary, we attended two friends' wedding in Marietta and had a God-ordained conversation with our friend, Aisha.  She shared about her non-profit work in mentoring children in the Georgia foster care system.  A light bulb went off in both of our minds and spirits, and we talked the whole way home about starting our adoption at that time.  We decided to kick off the process at the beginning of the new year, 2014.  Although we had originally felt led to adopt internationally, the Lord clearly showed us the extraordinary need for adoptive families in Georgia given the 7,700+ children in foster care statewide.  Matt texted me at work one day to share that he was convinced we had made the right decision to pursue adoption as he looked at the Wednesday's Child website and shed tears over the waiting children.  God gave us another revelation about the potential birth order of our children:  Perhaps our adopted child was to come into our family first to meet his or her specific need for security and identity.  It was settled, we were adopting and we went full speed ahead.  Even though the Department of Family and Children's Services (DFCS) is known for its red tape and inefficiency, we met and got to know many individuals who worked there with deeply caring and helpful souls.  The process of criminal background clearances, drug tests, CPR/First Aid Certification, and 23 hours of foster/adoptive parent training was intense and brought one of many crucial issues to light:  The child we would adopt will be coming from a challenging situation varying from physical/sexual/emotional abuse to neglect to parental death.

Adoption & foster care orientation at DFCS - January 23, 2014

We talked, prayed and grieved together the reality of our child's situation and this fallen world that such systems even exist.  We invited a select group of people to pray into this process with us and celebrate this chapter in our lives.  It was and remains very important to us to be thoughtful and intentional about who speaks into our lives and the lives of our (future) children.  After all, the tongue has the power of life and death (Proverbs 18:21).  Following our orientation with DFCS on January 23, 2014, we gathered and filled out paperwork like madmen, attended 3-hour classes on Thursday evenings and finished the entire process and the home study on Friday, March 28, 2014.  Then we began the wait for our adoptive parent approval, a 3-pronged, extensive process that goes through county and state-level child welfare employees before culminating in a 'yay' or 'nay'.  We are currently still waiting for our precious approval notice to this day and have been told that it will probably arrive this summer...at some point.

Below you'll see photos of us finishing up the paperwork phase of our adoption :).

My Love and I graduating from adoptive parent training - March 27, 2014

L to R:  Beau & Courtney Garrett (and baby Ellis in the womb), me & Matt, Emily Bruso (sister-in-law), Michelle Hansens (Matt's sister), and Lara Brown (Matt's sister) - March 27, 2014

In the meantime, I got a minor sinus infection in late April and slowed down in order to get better.  Only as the cough disappeared, I began experiencing nausea that I can only compare to carsickness in Costa Rica while driving 4 hours on a mountain road to get to a volcano and hot springs.  The only exception was the nausea did not stop at any point in the day and it worsened at night.  I also started having serious food aversions, including meat, vegetables, and sweets.  What other food groups exist in my world?  At that point, only organic saltines and Diet Coke...perfect options for this low-gluten, anti-artificial sweetener gal.  I still thought nothing of it because I had just recovered from a sinus infection and figured I must have caught a stomach bug (the likes of which hadn't come near me in probably 30 years).  My energy waned badly, and I'd immediately get into bed after work around 6pm.  Matt was incredibly attentive and kind in caring for me, and he took over all food prep, as the smell of food made me gag.  I had begun taking a medicine prescribed by Dr. Taz called Bromocryptine, which works to decrease prolactin production in those with overachieving PGs like mine :).  Once I reached the maximum prescribed dose, nausea often set in and became my unwelcome friend.  The positive part was that as long as my stomach was not empty, the nausea subsided within an hour of each dose (once in the morning and once at night).   Between thinking I had a stomach bug with no symptoms other than constant nausea and wondering if my medicine was beginning to adversely affect me, I contacted Dr. Taz for advice.  She suggested decreasing the Bromocryptine to the lowest efficacious dose.  I did so immediately, but it did not curb the nausea.

After three straight weeks of feeling terrible and having to cease working out and nearly stop even walking my dogs, I reluctantly took my last dollar store pregnancy test on May 16, 2014.  Matt was getting ready to do some errands but paused as I told him I was taking the test.  I told him to go ahead and that I'd call him if it was positive.  He wouldn't go and later told me that there was no faith in leaving his wife for an errand as she awaited the results of a PREGNANCY TEST.  What a sweet man the Lord has given me.  As the first of eventually three pregnancy tests immediately lit up positive, we were in shock and awe!!

No explanation necessary :)

We went to the doctor two weeks later, heard the babe's heartbeat and found out that I was 9 weeks along!  My due date is December 30, 2014, shortly after my 38th birthday.  Here's the kicker:  I still have not had a menstrual cycle in over 2 years.  God's supernatural, prophetic word to Melissa for us one year ago has absolutely manifested in the natural.  At just over 11 weeks pregnant, we are still waiting to be approved for our adoption and do not have a clear answer from the Lord or our own spirits as to what to do, timing, etc.  I want to be clear though:  We absolutely will adopt at some point, and we cannot wait to see God bring our child/ren into our family!  When the midwife asked us during our May 30th appointment if we would like to undergo a litany of genetic tests to determine the probability of our child having any number of diseases or defects, it didn't take us long to unequivocally say no, thank you.  This child is a promised gift from God and will join our family in the coming months with a leadership anointing on his or her life, including strengthening and calming others in crises.  We are preparing to welcome him or her and his or her siblings by adoption or biologically in the future.  I recently heard that delayed answers lead to greater relief.  Well, that is completely true.  The relief and joy that follow intense trials (many of which I have not yet shared), are such beautiful gifts from heaven.

First ultrasound on May 30, 2014 - 1 day shy of 9 weeks pregnant!

To all of our friends, family, and readers:  We would absolutely love to stand with you and pray with you for your personal breakthrough in any area of your life.  Feel free to share in the comments, message me on FB or contact me privately via my email address on the blog.  Thank you for taking the time to share in our lives by reading this - we believe in your dreams, agree with you for breakthrough and long to see you welcome God the Father's love and closeness as you wait.  What he does for one, he will do for another, and we will be interceding for you and saying, "Do it again, Lord!"   

Love, Chrissy & Matt